[RML] Fw: Darwin Awards for 1999

Gary Lange (gwlange at stlnet.com)
Sat, 10 Jul 1999 09:47:40 -0500

Didn't remember if I saw the 1999 awards here yet. 98

gary lange
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Below are the 1999 Darwin Award Top Nominees and Winner (all events occurred
in
1998). For those of you not familiar with the Darwin Awards, they
commemorate
individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of
their
own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily
idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term
survival.

The Darwin Award Nominees for 1999 are:

1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a
bees
nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple
is
an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick
of
dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their
home,
behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the
explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding
Mr.
Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving
bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died
of
Suffocation enroute to the hospital.

2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.Richards.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian Roulette and put a
semi-automatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's
head
and fired.

3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a
sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer
identified
only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."

4 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of
chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

5 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow
bank
they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect
him
against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart
wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin
Awards.)

6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
his
neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some
poison
and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last
moment.
He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut
through
the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea.
The
sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was
dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital,
where
he died of hypothermia.

7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery.
This
was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no
previous
record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of
the
adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at
the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee
before
reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a
few
wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him
from
the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't
fire.
No one else was hurt.

AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA,CANADA.
Telephone
relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas
morning by excessive Microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently
attempting
to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn. Baker had been suspended
on
a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal
Relay
spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for
defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance
catwalk
in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that
it
was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the
station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves
can
heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food
in
microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve
pack
of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with
the
strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in
microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in
holiday
long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime
watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas
roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also
reported to
NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

Let's all thank these people for their sacrifice and hope that any offspring
they they may have propagated get the better part of their genes from the
other
parent.