[RML] Message from Santa

Lisa Brinkman (lisab at netrover.com)
Wed, 15 Dec 1999 11:58:48 -0500

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will
no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on
Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the
earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas
of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part
of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I am certain
that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, there are a few differences between us such as:

1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a
bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on
the fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a
little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning
him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,
"On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on
Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also
are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh
does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the
words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other
decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with
lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing
into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to
put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus Is Coming to Town."

This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM
radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's
"All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and
Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus, (Member) North American
Fairies and Elves Local #209