> RE: Organizational Changes at the N.P.
> >
> > The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
> > take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good
> > deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about
> > other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was
> > necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the
> > season's gift distribution business.
> >
> > Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished
> > Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit
> > further erosion of the profit picture.
> >
> > The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of
> > a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
> > productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
> > Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
> > lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole
> > has received unfavorable press.
> >
> > I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be
> > disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North
> > Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the
> > earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold,
> > but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into
> > the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an
> > unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out
> > of context at a time of year when he is known to be under
> > executive stress.
> >
> > As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
> > North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive
> > steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are
> > to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
> >
> > - The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
> > turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced
> > by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in
> > maintenance;
> >
> > - The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply
> > not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working
> > hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore
> > eliminated;
> >
> > - The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
> > loves the French;
> >
> > - The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice
> > mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway
> > to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how
> > long they talked;
> >
> > - The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
> > Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
> > have negative implications for institutional investors.
> > Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
> > T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
> >
> > - The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
> > longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production
> > rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
> > productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
> > selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from
> > now on every goose it
> > gets will be a good one;
> >
> > - The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
> > better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical
> > swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn
> > some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
> >
> > - As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
> > heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the
> > workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this
> > a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process
> > may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
> >
> > - Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
> > function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and
> > can no longer do the steps;
> >
> > - Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus
> > the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
> > Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
> > congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
> > the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
> > unemployed congressmen this year;
> >
> > - Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
> > case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
> > quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
> > savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
> >
> > We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
> > animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
> > that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If
> > we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
> > Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
> > expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
> > lawyers-a-suing"), the action is pending.
> >
> > Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
> > necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
> > the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
> > Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Have a Good Xmas
I wish all the RML members a safe and enjoyable Festive Season and look
forward to some interesting discussions in the near future.
Bruce Hansen.